|  Three main factors go into building trust-based mentoring relationships: competence, integrity, and caring. In this newsletter series, we will explore how you and your mentoring partners can leverage these areas to create powerful and transformational experiences.
So far in this series we have discussed competence and integrity as key factors to building trust in your mentoring engagements. The last factor is caring, which blends the ability to commiserate with your partners while also challenging them to do their best. In this issue, we will examine how commiseration plays a unique role in showing that you care for your mentoring partners, and in turn helps you build trust in one another.
The workplace is not a utopia. We all experience frustration, resentment, disappointment, or similar emotions from time to time. Expressing these complaints can be difficult in a typical work setting, but within the confines of mentoring engagements we can safely voice our negative thoughts and feelings. Using mentoring relationships in this way can tap into the hidden power of commiseration as a way to build trust.
We can demonstrate that we care for our mentoring partners by giving them opportunities to unload burdens and process challenging situations. Those who commiserate typically offer no advice and do not agree with any negative conclusions. They merely listen and acknowledge understanding. In fact, the very definition of commiseration is simply communicating sympathetic understanding.
Unfortunately, this process only goes so far, resulting in a cathartic emotional release (a temporary value), but offering very little learning or personal transformation (a permanent value). In order for transformative power to be released, one needs to dig below the surface of the complaint to the hidden drivers.
The importance of uncovering the hidden drivers of a complaint cannot be overemphasized. These drivers are often core beliefs and values that shape and mold the assumptions and decisions that people make. In a large sense, these drivers tell people what they want from life and help them understand the motivations and aspirations behind their decisions and goals. Commiseration, if explored more deeply, can support both the integrity and competence dimensions of a trust-based relationship.
Below the conscious level of a complaint lies a belief or value that is worth being passionate about. With a little work, the hidden value or belief can be released, resulting in new awareness and changed perceptions or behaviors. In a mentoring relationship, this work takes the form of productive conversations. So, instead of cutting a complaint off or stopping with the acknowledgement of a complaint, mentoring partners can use it as the beginning of a learning dialogue.
In a mentoring relationship, a vocalized complaint is a tell-tale sign of something deeper and probably more meaningful. By asking the person with the complaint to explore this deeper meaning, you are assisting that person on the journey of self-discovery.
Consider using these thoughtful questions to dig beneath the surface of a complaint:
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What is (or is not) being done to cause you this frustration?
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What do you need more of in order to support your ongoing development and progress?
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What are you doing (or not doing) to get what you need from this situation?
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What are your assumptions regarding this situation?
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What does this complaint say about what you value or believe?
The results from this kind of discussion can be very revealing. You can expect to discover hidden values, passions, and assumptions that can accelerate personal development.
Values
Values include personal character, embodied through honesty, integrity, trust and reliability; social justice, shown through fair treatment and equitable processes; and priorities, evident in your values that are in conflict and your drive for the highest good.
Passions
Passions incorporate the energy to transform something, which may cause you to consider different developmental paths.
Assumptions
Assumptions are beliefs, thoughts, or ideas about something that may or may not be true.
Once there is a solid understanding of the belief or value that is driving the complaint, the conversation can move to discussing action options. This positive step forward to addressing the problem, and not just complaining about it, is one of the many benefits found in mentoring relationships. In this way, you are not only building the caring dimension but supporting the development of integrity as well.
It can be very easy to fall into the trap of a spiraling complaint, where one complaint leads to another which leads to another. To help you avoid this, consider these principles when commiserating with your mentoring partners.
Set a time limit. Negativity breeds negativity, so allowing conversations to go on for a long time can do more harm than good. If a conversation turns negative, simply say, “It seems like you need to unload a few things. Why don’t we discuss this for 15 minutes, then check in and see where we need to go from there?”
Agree on a focus. At the end of the time limit, check in with your partners by asking something like, “Now that I understand your situation and feelings better, how can I help you process this situation? What changes in your thinking or actions might help you cope or gain something from this situation?” Sometimes we just want to vent and are happy for a sympathetic ear. But in the end, we need to move past the complaint and come up with a positive way to learn from it.
Check in relationally. Before you end your session, thank your partners for their honesty and ask them if they felt you understood their situation and their feelings. In the end, the power of your acceptance and understanding will enable them to handle these situations with more grace and courage.
Commiserating should not be looked at as a waste of time or an unimportant task. By practicing commiseration when needed, you add to the growing trust between you and your mentoring partners. And by delving into the drivers behind it, you make your engagements much more meaningful.
Complete the following exercise with your mentoring partners.
1. Identify a complaint/frustration that relates to your learning relationship (your learning needs, organizational resources, time/energy, etc.).
2. Discuss this with your partners using the questions listed earlier.
3. Dialogue about the relevance of what you found. What does this say about you in terms of your values, passions and assumptions?
4. Together with your mentoring partners, determine if action is needed regarding this complaint and what actions to take.
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